Ripping Off Love Affairs
by Lom Lott and Logas
Summary: We are all against the coupling in this story so you have been warned, no flaming. This story has stuff from HP, LotR, Moulin Rouge, Rent, and others. Basically everyone is having love affairs but details make it funny!
1. Takin From Rent

*Authors notes:* Please don't get pissed at me because there are different coupling and most are slash(same gender) And if you are offended by such, please turn back now, don't email me or review me with hate because I warned you!  
  
PS don't be offended by any Harry Potter characters, I don't own them, same copyright laws here..  
  
PPS: Lott will personally kill any one who flames us  
  
  
  
*The COMPANY forms two main groups. As the music begins, a group of  
  
dancers start a sensual life and death dance, while a group of actors  
  
gather around a table center stage to speak words of passion which  
  
punctuate the dancing. Eventually, the actors converge on the table and  
  
cover themselves with a white sheet, while moving to the music*  
  
GROUP A (Ron, Malfoy, The Duke, Zidler)  
  
Hot-hot-hot-sweat-sweet  
  
Wet-wet-wet-red-heat  
  
Hot-hot-hot-sweat-sweet  
  
Wet-wet-wet-red-heat  
  
Please don't stop please  
  
Please don't stop stop  
  
Stop stop stop don't  
  
Please please please please  
  
Hot-hot-hot-sweat-sweet  
  
Wet-wet-wet-red-heat  
  
Sticky-licky-trickle-tickle  
  
Steamy-creamy-stroking-soaking  
  
GROUP B (Hermione, Voldemort, Hitler, Draco)  
  
Hot-hot-hot-sweat-sweet  
  
Wet-wet-wet-red-heat  
  
Voldemort:  
  
Touch  
  
Hitler:  
  
Taste  
  
Hermione:  
  
Deep  
  
Voldemort:  
  
Dark  
  
Hitler:  
  
Kiss  
  
Voldemort:  
  
Beg  
  
Hermione:  
  
Slap  
  
Hermione, Voldemort & Zidler:  
  
Fear  
  
Zidler:  
  
Thick  
  
Zidler, Hermione & Voldemort:  
  
Red, red  
  
Red, red  
  
Red, red please  
  
Voldemort:  
  
Harder  
  
Draco:  
  
Faster  
  
Voldemort:  
  
Wetter  
  
Hermione:  
  
Bastard  
  
Zilder:  
  
You whore  
  
Voldemort:  
  
You cannibal  
  
Hermione & Draco:  
  
More  
  
Voldermort:  
  
You animal  
  
Voldemort, Zidler & Hermione:  
  
Fluid no fluid no contact yes  
  
No contact  
  
ALL:  
  
Fire fire burn-burn yes  
  
No latex rubber rubber  
  
Fire latex rubber latex bummer  
  
Lover bummer  
  
*The music explodes into a fevered rhythmic heat as Draco is revealed  
  
in a lone spotlight, dancing wildly*  
  
Draco:  
  
Take me  
  
Take me  
  
Today for you  
  
Tomorrow for me  
  
Today me  
  
Tomorrow you  
  
Tomorrow you  
  
Love  
  
you  
  
Love you  
  
I love  
  
You I love  
  
You!  
  
Take me  
  
Take me  
  
I love you  
  
*The music dies as Draco vanishes*  
  
Ron's VOICE:  
  
Um  
  
Malfoy'S VOICE:  
  
Wait  
  
Hermione's VOICE:  
  
Slipped  
  
Zidler's VOICE:  
  
Shit  
  
Malfoy's VOICE:  
  
Ow  
  
Ron's VOICE:  
  
Where'd it go?  
  
Hermione's VOICE:  
  
Safe  
  
Zidler's VOICE:  
  
Damn  
  
Voldemort's VOICE:  
  
I think I missed  
  
Don't get pissed  
  
ALL:  
  
It was bad for me - was it bad for you?  
  
Malfoy:  
  
It's over  
  
Voldemort:  
  
It's over  
  
Ron:  
  
It's over  
  
Hermione:  
  
It's over  
  
Zidler:  
  
It's over  
  
End of chapter one. Hurrah, continue reading. If you are at all offended please note that this is for humor and inside jokes only. So if you don't like it, don't read it, NERFY NERFY!!!  
  
~*Lady of GIR and Sean*~  
  
~*Lady of the Trees*~  
  
~*Lady of Magic*~ 


	2. Puffs

*Authors notes:* Please don't get pissed at us because there are different coupling and most are slash(same gender) And if you are offended by such, please turn back now, don't email us or review with hate because we warned you!  
  
PS don't be offended by any Harry Potter characters, we don't own them, same copyright laws here..  
  
PPS: Lott will personally kill any one who flames us  
  
PPPS: We have taken quotes out of multiple movies, i.e. Moulin Rouge, Austin Powers (1 and 2), Annie, other fan fics, and maybe some others we forgot so forgive us if we did.  
  
*Zidler suddenly sits up* Damn! It's over!! *Voldemort sits up* Let's do It again!!! *Suddenly, the door of the room swings open and Cara and Katie stand there. Once they catch a glimpse of everyone under sheets on a table, horrified looks spread across their faces.*  
  
Katie: AND WHAT THE FUCKIN' HELL IS HAPPENING HERE?! *Cara is wordless and just shakes her head with a horrified/worried look on her face* Zidler: OH BUT YOU SEE NOTHING!! *The Duke sits up and pulls the covers up to his chin and giggles like the little school girl he knows he is* Oh but you know you can join us on all the fun.. *Cara and Katie quickly rush away* Ron from under the sheets: Did they stay for another round? *Voldemort strokes Draco's head* Oh yes, I think another round would be fun. *The Duke looks a clock* The Duke: OH MY LORDIE!! LOOK AT THE TIME!! *he puts a hand on Zidler's hand* I'm so sorry Zee-dler but I'm afraid I must leave. I have a meeting with Sam. *Once The Duke pulls on a robe and gets off of the table, pulling off some off the sheets, Hermione and Hitler are revealed.* Hermione snogging with Hitler* Hitler: Oh, yes, I love it when you, eh heh, experiment. *Hermione pulls away from Hitler*: Fuck! Hitler: again? Hermione: As much fun as that may be, and sounds, I am afraid not. We have been discovered Honey Bunnies. We can no longer keep our affair secret. *The Duke runs out of the door after he blows a kiss to Zidler. Zidler blushes. He then turns to Hitler and Hermione.* Zidler: have you two ever considered a threesome? *Malfoy pops up* Malfoy: NO ZIDLER! My heart belongs to you! LET'S MAKE LOVE! *Malfoy jumps on top of Zidler* Malfoy: FREE THE TIGER!!!! Zidler: Oh, your name should be LUSCIOUS!!! Hermione: I guess that's our q. Hitler: OK, my dear, let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing! Hermione: again? OK!!  
  
~*Meanwhile with the other Company*~  
  
*The Duke and Sam in an exotic room that has Emus, Ostriches, and Flamingos in it(AN: some real some fake). There is a small water fall built into the wall. There is… er…. Suggestive music on a radio that is nowhere in sight. It has a large heart shaped bed with satin sheets and pillows. There is a very fluffy blanket. The bed has a railing going around the top of it that has multiple feather boas wrapped and hanging around it. There are lots of scented candles lit all around the room. Some incense are lit. Don't forget the touch of kinky sex toys on the bed. The Duke has Sam in his arms as if they were on they're honeymoon (AN: FYI, they aren't) and he throws him on the bed* Sam: OH! I haven't had such fun in such a long time! *Sam giggles* LET'S GET OUR MACK ON!  
  
*Just then, Prince formerly known as artist and Denis Rodman come in the room holding hands and giggling* Prince: Sorry, didn't know this one was taken. We'll just go to the basement. *Denis wraps his leg around Prince's* Denis: That was the room we met in. Prince: Reooow!!!! *They leave, that instant. Only a few seconds later Denis Rodman's head pops back in the doorway* Denis: and don't forget to stop at Burger King and get your BigMac!! *He leaves* The Duke: ooo a Big MACK. Let's see how good your Whopper is there Sam! Sam: and I yours.  
  
~*~Back with the first company~*~  
  
*Now Draco appears to be gone. No one else sees to notice because they are a bit, ahem, pre-occupied. Everyone is now getting rough and rowdy. Hermione and Hitler are having the most fun because they are the only opposite sex partners…… or are they? O.o*  
  
~*~A spooky mansion with a light at the top. We travel to that room with the light..~*~  
  
*You see Draco a leather corset with black fishnets. He has heavy eyeliner, mascara, and eyes shadow on. He has applied white powder to his already pale skin. He has deep, crimson lipstick on. He seems to be sitting on a little glass box with his legs fully crossed. There seems to be a bronze- ish colored man laying down in the box with nothing but a golden loin cloth. Draco slips into the box runs his fingers through the man's hair. He then runs his finger down his chest to a certain place……* Draco: it is time, to bring you to life! *Draco jumps out of the box and before he can flip any switches, Mini-me shouts down to Draco* VISITORS ARE HERE!! *Draco runs upstairs and sees his "man servant" in the loo with the door open with a newspaper outstretched.* Mini-me: sorry, left the door open, having a bit of trouble and it might stink up the whole house. *Fred and George are standing at the doorway* Draco: oh come right in! Would you like to come down to the lab and see what's on the slab? Or perhaps catch an old Steve Reeds movie.  
  
Fred: I'm glad I caught you at home. may we use your phone? We don't want to cause any panic.  
  
Draco: So you were caught with a flat, Well how bout that? Well babies don't you panic cause I will get you a satanic mechanic(an: we are too hyper to remember and only 2/3 of the brain has seen this show) George: Well we're in a bit of a hurry!! *Draco feels a breeze and his tutu like thing blows upwards in a Marilyn Monroe manor. Columbia bounces around yelling* Columbia :Your happy I'm happy were all happy!!  
  
*The scene shifts yet again*  
  
Yet another chapter done. Keep in mind that we were hyper when we started this so anything out of the ordinary, don't be disturbed. We have an excuse, hyperness  
  
~*Lady of GIR and Sean*~  
  
~*Lady of the Trees*~  
  
~*Lady of Magic*~ 


	3. Italian Moon

*Authors notes:* Please don't get pissed at us because there are different coupling and most are slash(same gender) And if you are offended by such, please turn back now, don't email us or review with hate because we warned you!  
  
PS don't be offended by any Harry Potter characters, we don't own them, same copyright laws here..  
  
PPS: Lott will personally kill any one who flames us  
  
*Now the same company is in an elephant in the middle of the night. The moon is out and is singing in Italian. Harry is climbing up the elephant's butt. Draco seems to be singing a song. Harry reaches the top* Harry: excuse me *Draco screams* Harry: I'm sorry but I couldn't sleep and I saw your light on and I….. I… Draco: you wanted someone to talk to? Harry: yes, do you mind if I stayed here and we could have a little…. Chat? *Harry puts on a suggestive grin* Draco: chat? And a grin like that? What do you expect from me Potter? Harry: you mean you don't think I'm too sexy? Draco: too sexy for what? *Harry breaks out in song* Harry: I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy it hurts!!! Draco: no, all you need is love Harry: oh yeah, that's my line, TAKE 2!!!  
  
*a dude with a megaphone and he shouts: TAKE 2 PEOPLE!! PLACES!! AND, action  
  
Harry: all you need is love  
  
Draco: A girlish figure has got to eat.  
  
Harry: all you need is love  
  
Draco: or the figure will end up on the street!  
  
Harry: all you need is looo-ooove  
  
Draco: love is just a game  
  
Harry: I was made for lovin' you baby  
  
You were made for lovin' me  
  
Draco: The only way of lovin' me baby  
  
Is to pay a lovely fee  
  
Harry: Just one night  
  
Give me just one night  
  
Draco: There's no way  
  
'Cause you can't pay  
  
Harry: In the name of love  
  
One night in the name of love  
  
Draco: You crazy fool  
  
I won't give in to you  
  
Harry: *normal voice* please don't *goes back to singing* leave me this way  
  
I can't survive  
  
Without your sweet love  
  
Oh baby, don't leave me this way  
  
Draco: You'd think that people  
  
Would have had enough of silly love songs  
  
Harry: I look around me  
  
And I see it isn't so, oh no  
  
Draco: Some people wanna fill  
  
The world with silly love songs  
  
Harry: Well, what's wrong with that?  
  
I'd like to know  
  
'Cause, here I go again!  
  
Love lift us up where we belong  
  
Where eagles fly on a mountain high  
  
Draco: Love makes us act like we are fools  
  
Throw our lives away  
  
For one happy day  
  
Harry: We could be heroes  
  
Just for one day  
  
Draco: You, you will be mean  
  
Harry: No, I won't  
  
Draco: And I, I'll drink all the time  
  
Harry: We should be lovers  
  
Draco: We can't do that  
  
Harry: We should be lovers  
  
And that's a fact  
  
Draco: No, nothing will keep us together  
  
Harry: We could steal time  
  
Just for one day  
  
Both: We could be heroes  
  
Forever and ever  
  
We could be heroes  
  
Forever and ever  
  
We could be heroes  
  
Harry: Just because I will always love you  
  
Draco: I...  
  
Both: Can't help loving...  
  
Harry: you.  
  
Draco: How wonderful life is  
  
Both: Now, you're in the world.  
  
Draco: your going to be bad for business, I can tell  
  
*Harry and Draco then start snogging and end up under the rug. The moon is outside and singing: THEY ARE LOVEEEEEEEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ahhh, another chapter done. We are so proud of ourselves.  
  
~*Lady of GIR and Sean*~  
  
~*Lady of the Trees*~  
  
~*Lady of Magic*~ 


End file.
